1. Intro

Forty-something wife raises an interesting issue and one that is very common in these kinds of relationship. When the man reverts to a more passive, non-controlling mode, the woman in many cases panics, or at least feels a little uneasy. Many woman feel a little abandoned in such situations. The control that was such a connecting, exciting thing is not there. It can feel to the woman as though the man has withdrawn from the connection, and withdrawn even from the entire relationship in some cases. Some women report feeling uncomfortable with the man's ability to switch off his control. So why do many men do this?

2. The nature of their relationship

The answer may well be much more positive than some women fear. The husband might prefer to keep the nature of their relationship private, and especially to keep it from those who are most likely to be able to inflict damage on the couple in the event that they disapprove. He might guard the secret of the special nature of their relationship in order to protect it and nurture it; or he might quite reasonably want to protect himself from the vicious judgements of others. Many are absolutely disapproving of husbands being in control, and of wives gladly accepting control too. He might be trying to protect you both. He might act passive and non-controlling in public out of respect and love for the woman: he might quite reasonably think that it would be embarrassing, disrespectful and humiliating to control the woman in public.

3. Find a way to maintain the connection

He might just want a quiet life and thus not act in a manner that he might end up having to explain to others. He might act differently in public because he considers his control highly erotic and thus something very private. (No, this does not mean that his control is not real! If anything it means that he is really enjoying it.) On the other hand, if you as a woman miss the control in these situations, it might be worth talking to your husband about it. Perhaps the two of you together can create a new and better understanding about how to proceed. Perhaps together you can find a way to meet whatever need is being met by the man's non-controlling behaviour in these situations but also find a way to maintain the connection and control simultaneously.

4. Communicating control

For example, could your husband make a point of issuing some instructions about what he expects of you in the family gathering? Can the two of you think of private ways to experience the control that connects you, even in the midst of the gathering? There could be any number of ways of communicating control that would mean nothing to anyone else but that would be very clear and connecting between the two of you. Would going out of your way to serve your husband in such a situation help? Could you try extra hard in these situations to treat him as the man-in-charge he is in your marriage? There are so many possibilities. This is a problem that is (or can be!) very easy to solve. I am sure others will have lots of suggestions.

5. Connecting through Centering

When I read your post, the term "Centering" immediately came to mind. Centering is something I picked up from yoga classes, and while I'd never be mistaken for an expert on yoga, my understanding of "centering" is that it is a moment taken to return to a point of inner peace and balance. Instead of waiting for the "BIG" connection, many subtle connections could be made between your husband and you during your day, especially when you're in the company of other people. The mental picture in my mind is something along the lines of him wrapping his arms around you from behind and holding you for a moment. You could use that as a prompt to inhale deeply and exhale slowly, centering yourself on his presence and authority. There is no need for an exchange of words, or disrupting whatever you are in the middle of, all anyone else would see is a man giving his lady a hug. It would probably be best to initiate this practice at home, then by the time you're surrounded by relatives or friends, or in the middle of the grocery store, it will be second nature and neither of you will be uncomfortable. The only problem this may cause with onlookers is that the men might be mad at him if their wives become jealous!

6. Living with stuff!

I understand what you have been going through. Life just seems to get in the way sometimes. I had missed my husbands authority for about a month. Things just got in the way, older kids moving back home, one moving back out,a medical issue, Thanksgiving, the beginning of Christmas activities and just stuff! No time alone no place to really be alone. Someone was always around. We highly value our family and time with them however we value whatever time we can have for ourselves. I found myself acting up just to get his attention. I would even try to start an arguement. I would get "the look" but that was about it. I was feeling disconnected, frustrated and irritable. I know that it doesn't have to be physical to feel his authority but at times it is warranted. Sometimes I really do deserve it. Then there are times when I just need it! This past week he reinstated his authority and he has assurred me that more is on the way. We have talked about maintenance and punishment the communication is back on track. I had just felt alone and distant for while. I didn't know if anyone else in Taken in Hand had experience what I was going through. In a few weeks we plan to go away to the ocean alone when he is on christmas vacation. we are both looking forward to that. For me feeling disconnected was lonely.